Dear unconsolable younger Me,
The year was 1975. You were 20 years old, living in Montana where you were born and raised. You were married to the man who you loved and trusted very much. But then you and Marc did not agree where you and he were going to live after he graduated from college. He said,”the best opportunity for our family is in Indiana.” You were not a Christian and had no desire to submit. You said, “you can’t tell me where I’m going to live the rest of my life!!” After a few months of discussion, you still said no to Indiana. Marc said, “I’m going with or without you.” You and Marc had a huge wedding one year before, so you decided it would be embarrassing to tell your hometown people , well I just didn’t want to go where my husband wanted to live so we are divorcing. So you went to Indiana, very unhappily.
Now, the year is 1977. You now have a 6 month old baby boy. But still, life just didn’t seem to be as good here as life had been in Montana. As hard as you tried to be a good wife and mother, life still seemed very difficult. Loving Marc and Kelly was supposed to be easy and fulfilling! You thought maybe Marc was the reason for all the unhappiness. You started looking for a way out of your marriage.
You and Marc had really tried everything you both knew to get along. You would try talking through your problems but you’d end up fighting or hurting each other more.
The first idea you had was to contact an old boyfriend. You gave him a call, secretly, and hoped he would want to reconnect with you. He told you he just got engaged!
Another idea was to buy a bus ticket to Montana.
One night after another fight, you went outside to think and get away for awhile. You were desperate. It was very dark out there on the patio, you were so lonely. You were sick and tired of the way your marriage was going. That night, you were out of answers.
Some words your sister Tammy said came to you. “Have you asked Christ to be your Savior?” When she would ask that question, you would lie and say yes, so she would quit talking about it. You thought she weak or something but thought you were doing fine. She had said , “You need a Savior!” That night on the patio, you were not doing fine, you had no more answers. You said, “God, my sister says you are real. I know I am a sinner, I’m not a good wife or mother. Things are not going well. Jesus I need you to be my Savior. Please make yourself real to me”
The next week in the paper there was a new church starting in Lebanon. You thought, “?? God are you reaching out to me? Do you want me to go to this church?”
Feeling a peace about the idea, you went to church the next Sunday with your baby son. The people were amazing. They reached out to us both. It felt like coming home. Everyone was so welcoming and loving.
The Word of God was preached there. This scripture really sunk into your heart.
Romans 5:8 says, But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
You had never really understood that Jesus died for your sins. You had no idea that He was watching you and loving you, your whole life and He was drawing you to Him the whole time!
You thought Marc would love to hear all about what you had been learning and experiencing. You were so excited to tell him all about it!! You told him everything you could think of. He didn’t understand what had happened to you. He wasn’t too happy about the change. He tried to discourage church attendance. He talked a lot about how you had changed, how different you were than the woman he had married. You didn’t care; you loved the changes in your life. It was so encouraging being with fellow believers.
The pastor’s wife Susie was amazing. She would check in with you often to see how things were going. You felt safe with her. You and Marc were still arguing a lot. Susie kept encouraging you to love your husband. She encouraged you in your marriage. She said he’s a good provider, he is good with the boys, he refinished that cabinet for you.
Things still didn’t improve. You knew Marc loved you but not sure how much he did. You were tired of being unhappy. You were thinking that leaving him was to way to go. You told Susie what you were thinking. She asked you if you knew the Bible said you should stay with Marc.
I Cor. 7:13. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or the sister is not enslaved. God has called us to peace. For how do you know wife, whether you will save your husband?
You had no idea the Bible said that. Now God’s Word made it very clear you were not to leave. When we’d get in a fight you would say, “ you can leave this marriage, but I am staying.” He did not want to leave. You thought, “he must love me, more than I thought! “
One scripture that really started to change your way of thinking was
Galatians 1:5, the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control against such there is no law.
You realized you weren’t alone. The Holy Spirit would give you what you needed. It would come from Him not you.
The pastor’s wife, Susie talked about cooking good meals every night for Marc, that would really impress him. She told me a scripture about feeding your enemy.
Romans 12:18-21 If possible as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if you enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
You realized you needed to stop fighting with Marc. Susie said Marc will notice….., he knows he doesn’t deserve to be loved so generously. He will feel unconditional love, just like Jesus has for you! She also mentioned that the joy you had would speak louder than words. The Holy Spirit was the source of your joy, not your circumstances. Nehemiah 8:10 the joy of the Lord is my strength. She said he wouldn’t be able to resist. She mentioned how making love to him would be a great idea, a couple times a week! Just love him into the kingdom she would say.
I Corinthians 7:4 the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
You knew this was your mission field. You tried loving Marc, accepting him how he was. You knew God loved him too, he just didn’t know how much God loved him. Prayer became a very big part of your life. You prayed and prayed for your unsaved husband.
Christmas came around and you were so sad that Marc didn’t understand the true meaning of Jesus coming into the world. Christmas was not about Santa Claus, it was about Jesus. You knew if Marc didn’t change he would not be going to heaven.
You were a believer, but he wasn’t. You needed to teach your children about God and live your life under the lordship of Jesus Christ. And you needed to submit to Marc. If you thought he was wrong you told him and you didn’t submit if you thought what he was thinking was against what the Bible taught. You definitely held your ground as a wife to be treated well.
I Peter 3:1 says, in the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
It was so important to live the Christian life even though Marc was not in agreement with you. You knew that through your belief, Marc and the children were sanctified. I Cor. 7:13 promised that. You would need to trust God with your husband, and your children.
Now the year is 1983. We had moved to Zionsville and built a house. We had 3 sons now. You had been going to church by yourself and with our sons for 7 years . You stopped going to church when we moved. It was a long drive to the church in Lebanon with 3 little boys. There were so many needs, and so much work getting our new home built and set up. In 1985 our daughter was born. Your little sister Gina, came to visit from Montana and she said,”You have got to get back in a church. You need the support that the church offers.” She told me later that she cried all the way to Minneapolis on the way home from here. You were struggling and she knew it. She told her husband that day, we need to pray for Marc and Jody and their family EVERY DAY until Marc is saved!!! He said, “I will commit to that with you!”
You then asked Marc if we could find a church in Zionsville. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go. I decided we needed to have a church. He finally agreed to go to church when one of our son’s said,” Why do I have to go to church if Dad doesn’t?” Amazingly he agreed to go. Our 2 older sons picked out our new church. They liked the worship and the people. Marc agreed to go to this church. He knew some men in the church, and he respected them.
One day on the way home from church, Marc said “How many times do you have to accept Christ before you really know you are saved?” You about fell off your seat in the van. We had been attending a local church together as a family for 1 1/2 years at this point.
So after 10 years of hoping and praying, Marc was saved by Christ!! Your marriage became stronger, more loving and peaceful. You knew if Christ hadn’t rescued you, and given you a new heart, this story would’ve ended much differently. Also, if it hadn’t been for Susie, the pastor’s wife, loving and caring for you and Marc, and telling you God’s word, you would have left. She had so much hope and faith that God could work in Marc’s life.
Christ came in and changed our hearts. Ezekiel 36:26 says, And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
Marc loved me the whole time, but we both needed God to give us a new hearts so we could love each other and raise our family the way God intended. We both needed a relationship with God, through our Lord Jesus Christ. I am overwhelmed that God stepped in with His love and saved us.
II Samuel 7:18 says, Who am I, O Lord and what is my house, that you have brought me this far?
You are learning about overcoming evil with good. You are learning that by loving God, and trusting Him to be good, that you could overcome evil with good. But you don’t realize that sacrifice and pain will still be part of your life just living in a fallen world with fallen people. And that you will still struggle with sin.
You will still need to try to live this scripture. Eph. 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that is may give grace to those who hear. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
God will continue to lead you to lean on Him, to trust Him with all your heart. He will help you to live out of the new heart He gave you, not the old one. To lay down your life, your desires, your anger to show other people the love of Christ. Even though it will not be easy to do. Because He’s the one who changes people and situations, not you.
Signed,
Comforted by Christ, older you.
